Some of us encounter jerks all the time. Perhaps an aggressive
driver flipped us off on the way to work, a harried woman cut in front of us in
the checkout line at Target, or a coworker said something rude about the new
shoes we wore to work – all in one day! But while most of us will encounter
rude behavior from time-to-time, if we are responding to jerks on a regular
basis, then we need to take a closer look at our own behavior.
Although there are numerous ways to invite conflict into our
lives, there are a few that almost always trigger others, including:
- Righteousness. If we find that we must not only prove our
point, but also simultaneously prove ourselves superior to others, we will
invite an ongoing conflict with others.
- Projection. Projection is the fine art of seeing what we
cannot tolerate in ourselves—what we despise and hate—in other people. There
are times when we invite people into our lives that align with the qualities
that we have contempt for in ourselves just so that we can keep them around to
abuse. However, usually people resist our projections, which in turn creates
discord between others and ourselves.
- Weaponized victimhood. If we block, disallow, or otherwise interfere
with the attempts made by others to soothe our pain and suffering, we convey to
them that what they are offering is ineffective or insufficient. In doing this,
we not only interfere with their attempts to help us feel better, we also
punish them for being unable to do so. When using ourselves as weapons against
the world, we convey to those around us that our misery is somehow their fault
and use our sense of being victimized to punish others.
- Turd hurling. If we cannot stand seeing other people
thriving or happy – and feel like we need to ruin it in some way (perhaps by
saying something derogatory, bringing up their own suffering, or otherwise
squaring the good feelings of others) – then we can expect to encounter a great
deal of conflict.
- Patrolling. If we acutely observe the behavior of other
people and chastise them when their behavior is “wrong,” we will
definitely agitate others. This is closely aligned with righteousness.
Each of these behaviors
invites conflict and puts us in an adversarial relationship with the world. To
engage in each one of these behaviors is to put on a “kick me” sign.
If we are unaware of what we are doing, we will just assume that these
counterattacks are actually unprovoked. In response, we over-protect ourselves
against the possibility of being hurt, which in turn, makes us more susceptible
to the counterattacks that we are trying to avoid.
But there is good news: our unkind behavior is a defense
mechanism that we use to protect ourselves – it is not who we
are. And this means that we can do something about it! Next time an
incident arises that tempts us to engage in one of the behaviors listed above,
- Hit pause each time we believe that someone else’s
behavior justifies (*or requires) a direct reaction, criticism, judgment, blame
- Take a break from the incident by giving ourselves a
makeshift “time out” to calm down.
- Take inventory of our role in the incident, and, when able,
discuss only our part.
- Invite the other party to
join in taking inventory of
the incident and listen with an open mind.
- Form an alliance with the other party and use this incident of
conflict to not only help us repair, but also to set a kind of guideline for
doing so in the future.
- Seek alternatives to living in constant and chronic conflict
with the world and invite others to join us as we continue to accept ourselves,
others, and the world…as is.
By pausing and taking a break, we can work through our unproductive reactions and start repairing and building meaningful relationships. If we thoughtfully consider and address every way that we invite conflict into our lives, we can also open the door to a new way of relating to ourselves and those around us.
Mark B. Borg, Jr, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist/psychoanalyst who has been in private practice in New York City since 1998 and the author ofDON’T BE A DICK: Change Yourself, Change Your World (a Central Recovery Press Paperback, on sale Nov 19, 2019).
Erin shows overscheduled, overwhelmed women how to do less so that they can achieve more. Traditional productivity books—written by men—barely touch the tangle of cultural pressures that women feel when facing down a to-do list. How to Get Sh*t Done will teach you how to zero in on the three areas of your life where you want to excel, and then it will show you how to off-load, outsource, or just stop giving a damn about the rest.